a DeaD post

I thought today would be a happy day... ...


Feeling very moody currently, because of my fucked up life. I had a lot of things to say, but I just could not turn them all into words.
I seriously need a trustworthy listener now!! It seem that everyone around me is like wearing a mask. I dunno who could be trusted and who would stab you hard on your back. And who would be the listener whom I am searching?
The world is cruel, today's friend could be tomorrow's foe. And what scares me is getting killed without knowing how did I died.
I get very irritated seeing how people in life keep pretending and acting. I am really sick of it. I dunno when are they true and when are they lying.
I really hate this kinda of life, "disgusted" suit better to describe it. Everyday I force myself up and face all this kind of shit. I maybe laughing, I maybe smiling, but deep inside I am NOT.
Sometime, I really feel like quitting school or change course, but I find it not a sensible choice and beside I am not financial capable to do it. Or maybe, I shall had listened to other advices and headed on to a JC.
People only thinks about themselves before the others, they dun put themselves in other shoes, and alway claims that they right. Finding a excuses to divert the problem to others.
Perhaps I was right, I had not reach the stage of maturity to deal with the reality. I am still living in my fairy-tale land where everything is happily ever after.
2 more years, that is the duration that I had to continue to endure to this nonsense. I really wonder can I make it or not.
Everyday I had to make a choice, being alone or forcing and facing things I dislike. But now I guess, my choice is quite clear. I am not being emo, but just choosing the first path.
My heart is DEAD in school, its DEAD long time ago.
No words can show how I actually feel. But what I realise clearly is that, I had changed. Unlike the past, which I use to joke non-stop, talk craps, joyful charater. I turned to a mute, talking is like waste of energy, I hardly speak like what I did in the past.
Class is like a mine field. From far, it looks peaceful and beautiful. Deep under the soil, it plants mines. 1 single step on it could make you into pieces. I guess I had just stepped on 1.

Although such bad experiences, I also learnt.
SS teacher was right. Human beings are greedy, kiasu, kiasi, afraid of responsibility.
Went something goes out of track, argument arrives or relationship breaks, people would just blame each other for the fault but yet none remember the logic that "it takes 2 hands to clap". And most of the time the one getting the blame is ME, I dunno why. Because I look like a bad guy? I am too kind hearted? I am a guy? I dunno, who can tell me.
Or maybe others are too street-smart for this kinda of blaming pushing situation? or they got the innocent looks? or just simply outsiders are stupid to only listen to 1 side of the story?
After so much problems arises since I stepped into my tertiary education which I thought it would be better/more fun than secondary. I really give up, I dun bothers to explain much (although I could if anyone would wanna listen), I dun mind being imaged as a "evil person", cause I know myself clearly what I had done. I am use to such image.

That all~~ I am really not feeling very good this week. I had a lot more to say actually, but no point, no one will care for me too, so why shall I bother. All I need now is a listener, a good listener, a good and a person that I know I can trust. I am now numb, not angry, not sad. I believe time will heal everything. And this post is also relates to the post yesterday(below).